New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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