k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
