also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
