Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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