I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
