I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I wear drunk well.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
