Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
