Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
