nut hugger
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
