Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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