im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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