Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
