So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
