I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
did i just pee glitter
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I have post one night stand depression
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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