Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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