She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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