I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
