Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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