I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
