i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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