I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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