i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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