I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
