i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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