Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
