I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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