I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
