Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
