She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
