I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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