I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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