if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
