first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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