Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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