I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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