um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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