fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
