he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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