sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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