I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
