I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
