No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
