The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
