Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
