So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
