omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
