Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
