Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
