By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize