if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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