I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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