she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
