Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
