Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
