she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
