I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
