She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think I have vodka in my lungs
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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