I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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