I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
