Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
