Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
