how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
